How to deal with stress by eating your legs

Do you ever feel cold and alone? Ever want to dig a hole in the groundand have an eternal kip? Have you ever been called fat or gay by a loved one?
The answers to most of life's problems are hard if not impossible to come by, but with three easy steps you can start to turn your life back on track:
1. Cut your legs off
2. Cook your legs
3. Eat your legs

Recent studies from world leading institutions have demonstrated with overwhelming evidence that the legs contain the human body's primary reservoirs of stress.
With 2-4 relatively painless hours of hacking/sawing, you could rid yourself of over 80% of your total stress levels by removing your legs from between 1¼-2" down from the pelvic bone.
After removal, why let such a nutritious source of protein and essential vitamins go to waste? Garnish with some fresh locally sourced herbs, before covering both limbs in foil and leaving them in a preheated oven at gas mark 5 (190°C) for 12-15 hours.
Leave to stand for 10 minutes before topping with gravy and start living life on your terms!