Weekly Horoscope

Capricorn: People dislike and distrust you, but do not let that discourage your plans.

Aquarius: When confronted, scream as loud as you can and for as long as possible, with as high-pitched a note as your throat muscles will allow.

Pisces: A dormant illness you have had for a long time will soon materialise.

Aries: You will need a minimum of three washes to remove the stains, even if you believe them to be no longer visible.

Taurus: Practice the face you make when telling an immense lie, you will be using it very soon.

Gemini: Someone you know has decided to hurt you - do not trust those with whom you are closest.

Cancer: Spend as much money as you can as quickly as possible, as a loved one will soon take it.

Leo: Remember that it is important to practice what makes you happy, even if it inflicts great pain onto others.

Virgo: Remain calm, someone is standing behind you.

Libra: Promptly remove all unsavoury material you have stored on your personal computer.

Scorpio: Although they are in a stable relationship, they secretly want you too. Now is the ideal time to make your move.

Sagittarius: The skin on your neck is now very clearly loose, and it may be time for the surgery you have been considering.